Friends and Coming Out

For the past few months I have wanted to speak the truth with the people I live with. But when I come close to even uttering the words of honesty I turn into a coward and shut down. The thing is I don't know why I act so cowardly because I've already been honest with myself about this, I've already been honest with the people in my family I care most about with this, and I've already been honest with most of my friends I've come to know on campus. So, why can't I figure out how to speak the words of truth to the people I live with. To the people I've become not only close with but friends too. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of how they will think of me, maybe it's because I'm afraid of how much of friendship will change, or maybe I just am a coward. I don't know but what I do know is that I feel like Hannah Montana living a secret life by not letting anyone see who I am truly. I always say, "Never be anyone but yourself", so why can't I follow my own advice? Why is this so difficult, why?

AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know I am the first to say that if you are in a bad mood because you are doing homework DON'T talk to me! So, when I spoke with my mom about my coat zipper breaking, she lost it. She kept telling me to shut up and listen. Quite frankly, if I put it lightly, she was being a fucking bitch. She kept telling me that I need to bring home both of my coats to fix them. I mean ok but you don't have to yell it at me. She really pisses me off. Uhhh!!!!!!! I freakin hate it when she acts like that. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't take her anger out on me. I fuckin just...ughhh

College Week 1

During my first week in college I have had a lot of breakdowns where I wanted to just pick up and leave. But I am only 4 days into it, and I keep being told that I am no quitter. I think it's just the fact that I don't want to be around my roommate, but I have to put up with it until September 10th. I think it will be a lot better once I start classes, but I'm pretty sure that I'm going to change roommates because I just can't shake the feeling that we are never going to click with each other. And I don't want to be in a room all year with someone that I'm going to be completely miserable with.It just doesn't make sense. But I'm going to listen to my Mom and Greg's advice and that is to "suck it up cupcake", and at least I am making friends even if it's not with my roommate. I am glad that my Mom, Greg, and Robbie are behind me and telling me that I can't quit, but I do need to learn to relax and just smile and have fun because just like high school I will only be here for 4 years and it will go by quick. Time to relax and enjoy things. And after September 10th I will be happy again because I won't have to put up with my roommate who I currently have. Anyways it's time to take everyone's advice and RELAX...because I won't be happy unless I do.

So there's just a week until I graduate from school and I don't think I'll get what I truely wanted. I keep getting asked, "what do you want"? All I truely wanted was my whole family including all of my siblings to be there. Now, I'm almost there because my brothers will be there, but I don't think my sister will be. It kind of makes me a little sad that she isn't, but I got to remember this is my day, and I graduate with or without her. I'd prefer with, but you know. Anyways, another problem of mine is, getting a freakin summer job before going to college. I mean does no one higher a high school graduate getting ready to go to college. Geez!!

DON'T EVER SAY THAT

You know for the past few weeks my step dad hasn't been feeling well. Now, I understand you want us to keep your distance and that you aren't in a good mood, but don't take it out on me. You go a little too far when you tell me that what I've dreamed of my whole life that I will be horrible at. Don't be an ass and go back to bed until you wake up in a better mood before I kick your ass into the next century. Peace out bastard

OMFG I am PISSED

You know I am all for an occasional joke, that is when it's funny. When it comes to my family that is where I draw the line. I don't care if I have a purple, orange, green or freaking yellow uncle, you don't insult him! That is so flipping racist that it makes me want to scream. My uncle and cousins might be black but it doesn't give you the right to criticize them on their color. They are my family so back the fuck off. Then when you insult homosexuals is also where I draw the line. My sister is gay and that just infuriates me. I think as long as their happy ,who gives a damn what they are? Then the one word that pisses me off the most is retard, DON'T EVER CALL ME THAT again unless you want to see an ugly side of me...

I just don't get it

You know when it comes to family I'm always there for people but when someone screws up the relationship between me and them for the gazillionth time it's like them saying that they hate me and never want anything to do with me anymore. I won't name names but my birthday took place over 9 days ago and I got facebook im's, txt msgs, and phone calls. The one thing I didn't get was msgs from my bff's from logansport which was just a stab to the heart for me. Then what made me even more pissed off was my so called father not calling me on my day. He just txted me which he thought would just do. Here's a clue for you better think again. I'm not upset really because I expected it...I'm just pissed off to the extreme because even my mom mentioned that it was ridicolous that he didn't even send a card like he does every year. I mean even people that I barely knew from school wished me happy birhday. My sister in-law said though don't let him ruin my day. It's my DAY. So when it hit midnight that night.. then I could be pissed. But like my mom said it wouldn't do any good because he will never change. So why am I trying? I mean even my stepmom and sister msged me on facebook. I just think that mine and my father's relationship doesn't make sense anymore. :/ i just don't get it